After Game 4’s Embarrassing Loss, Burnett Admits His Belly was Full of Turds and Pubes

“I regretfully went on what we call on the Yankees a ‘turdin binge,'”  Burnett announced to media members late Tuesday night after giving up 5 runs to the Rangers.

“A lot of pitchers are using turds and pubes as a substitute to chewing tobacco, but the flavors and aromas that gently arrive when you open up Posada’s butt cheeks are too complex…too delectable…to just keep them sitting in your mouth like some regular ol’ chaw.  Sometimes you just have to swallow them things.  I ended up having so many that my belly felt like it was going to explode, which really seemed to affect my pitches tonight.”

Burnett then sulked, dropped his head down and appeared to begin to vomit, but was able to keep the “backturds” from leaving his mouth and swallowed them back down.

The last time a pitcher was caught with that many turds and pubes on his person was in the 2006 World Series, when Detroit Tigers’ pitcher Kenny Rogers was accused of having pine tar on his pitching hand.   A deep investigation by the MLB was able to conclude that the marks were actually just remnants of Brandon Inge’s turds stained onto Rogers’ hands after a long pre-game fisting session.

 

Rogers in 2006, visibly wearing the stains of a shameful pre-game romp with Brandon Inge.

 

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